Can't Wait to Show this to X

Big Brother

Well, I certainly haven't posted in a while! Actually, for some reason, I was having trouble getting into my blog space to post. Still haven't figured out why, but here I am.

As for Xander, he seems to get it that he's becoming a big brother soon and getting a baby sister, but who knows for sure. We've been reading a lot of different books and his favorites seem to be The Berenstain Bears' New Baby (he says, "Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Small Bear" then "Daddy Bear, Mommy Bear, Xander Bear" ...pretty cute) and Hello Baby! (he looks at the picture of the fetus growth stages in the book and says, "do you want this baby? This baby? or this baby?" which I find pretty hilarious.)

I'm banking on his happy, loved nature to get him through, but just in case, I'm teaching him how to be a helper (he helps us feed the cats, puts clothes in the hamper, etc.) and I'm amassing an arsenal of small distractions and gifts "from his baby sister" to cheer him up once she arrives.

I'm also building a few Xander-only memories of special times such as our recent Day Out With Thomas (we have pictures of us with Thomas in his room and he's still really enjoying them) and last weekend's visit to the Train Museum. I'm hoping these are investments in him feeling special and secure that will pay off when I'm running short on energy and sleep! We'll see!

Mother of the Year

Okay, a slight exaggeration.

But honestly, that is the magnitude of the elation I feel in knowing that I just purchased tickets to take my boy to "Day Out With Thomas" at Roaring Camp Railroad in Felton, CA.

He is going to FLIP OUT.

Seriously.

He doesn't really love Keyser Söze.

He loves Thomas.

It's all Thomas. All the time.

Thomas is like a rock star to my 2 year-old.

Oh, I cannot wait.

Daughtry - What About Now

So, I was trying to eat my Cheerios this morning, but couldn't 'cause this was making me bawl. It's very moving and kind of hopeful. Definitely inspiring.

Do Not Watch Without Your Kleenex

and it's not a hoax.

"You've Got to Find What You Love"

Jonathan sent me this today. Inspiring, though it only served to enhance to my already over-thinking-melancholy state of mind today.

I know I have what I have always wanted: a wonderful family. I'm close with my parents and siblings and extended family. I have a dear husband who I share a strong friendship and growing love with. We have an amazing son and a daughter on her way. I am fairly healthy and somewhat sound. I've sown some wild oats. I'm very blessed.

However, there are things about life that have not turned out as I had hoped or thought to hope, as I'm sure it is with many folks (though, is that really a consolation?)

I have not traveled as much as I had hoped to, nor have I stayed as vibrant, healthy or fit as I thought I might. But the fact is, I didn't think much about it...or rather, I didn't do much about it, really.

I know that you get back what you put energy into, so I guess I am feeling a bit down on myself. I'd say I'm wasting time with regret, but I'm not really clear what it is, exactly, I'm regretting.

This is all combined with what at the moment seems to be the demise of an important friendship in my life and the very real threat of not having a job to return to after my maternity leave.

Both of these things have been with me for a while, but the loss of the friendship has not gotten any easier on me in the last 10 months since it became clear that the friendship was in danger. For the last couple weeks I thought that perhaps things might renew with this friend, but I am just not sure and feel saddened once again. It feels like the reopening of wounds before they've even really healed and seems to highlight the girlfriend deficit in my life these days. It just feels painful all over again. Perhaps I am regretting not standing up for myself in the friendship before years of resentment and misunderstanding took us to where we can't seem to return from. However, Jonathan advised me to "give it some time." And my husband? Well, he's pretty sage in the ways of people and emotions. Not always in practice, but almost always in theory.

Anyway, I've survived about 7 layoffs in the 8 years of my current employ. But now there is much more uncertainty in the industry and the company. While it could be a good thing (and as soon as I get over this brooding, I will try to look at it as the potential push I need), it is making me face that I have truly coasted in my career and am due to put some greater energy into my path, but will I have the energy and stamina to do that as I prepare to give birth and welcome an infant?

The truth is I've never really had career dreams. Maybe minor fantasies, but not enough to drive me in a particular direction. I always had dreams of a family, but not a vocation. So, I have my dream-come-true in my family, but for work, it is a job and for "the girl who used to be me", I need to bring her back a bit. There are some things missing. I do not feel "well rounded" and I would like to.

"Holy CATS, Helen Mirren"

I always thought I wanted to be Helen Mirren when I grew up, but now I know I do. Jeez! Jeez Louise! "Holy CATS, Helen Mirren"!

She'll be 63 next week. Sixty-frickin'-three! Hey...that means I have 27 more years to work on my bod! Right on.